I feel a thousand capacities spring up in me. I am arch, gay, languid, melancholy by turns. I am rooted, but I flow.
—Virginia Woolf, The Waves
Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit like I’m on summer vacation. Instead of relishing the freedom from stifling walls and bustling hallways, however, the impending summer season feels more like a monster at my back, steadily advancing and itching to pounce. I debated whether or not I would write about this here but I think it’s a life event worth annotating. It’s a reminder, at any rate, that misfortune bears down on us all from time to time. Writing about it serves both as a salve to my wounded pride and a way to process my emotions.
I lost my job last month. It was unexpected at the time but in retrospect, without getting into all the details, I can see how it happened. My position was eliminated due to a decreased volume of work. While devastating, at the end of the day, I was admittedly relieved. I’d been struggling with the company culture, returning to an office setting, and spending an hour to an hour and a half commuting every day. I was managing, but that’s all I was doing. I wasn’t happy, though I did my best to put on a good face. But I knew it wasn’t right. I could physically feel that it had not been the right move, even though it looked like the perfect opportunity on paper.
Of course, I’ve been applying to jobs and reaching out to contacts for new opportunities. I have some interviews and other prospects lined up, but no official offer yet. In the meantime, I’ve been focusing on my new puppy, Oliver, and have spent more time writing than I have in months. Nothing serious, just journaling on my laptop about the experience. It’s been a therapeutic practice. Not to mention spending a little more time writing here.
A couple weeks ago, I went to the beach with my parents and brought Oliver along with me. That helped separate myself from what happened and Oliver gave me something else to focus on. I’ve been unemployed a month now, though, so I’m hoping something will work out soon. Being unemployed has been a strange experience. On the one hand, it feels like I’ve failed at one of life’s basic requirements for survival. On the other hand, it’s been a humbling and grounding event that has given me an opportunity to take a breath and recalibrate.
Yes, I want a new job with full benefits as soon as possible. With that being said, I’m trying to balance the feeling of freedom this has given me. I’ve been working since high school. The last time I didn’t have a job was when I quit hostessing at Ruby Tuesday’s a month before starting as a part-time teller for a bank. I ended up going full-time at that job my senior of college while finishing my degree. I’ve been steadily employed ever since…until now.
I’ve given a lot of thought to what I want to do from here. It’s nice to fantasize about this being the blessing in disguise that leads to a fulfilling new career where I write full-time and photograph my travels while blogging around the world. Or, you know, something fun and creative and completely unrealistic like that (unrealistic because I’m too much of a homebody for that much travel). My parents always taught me to be safe and practical. I need to at least feel like I’m in a secure, sheltered bubble that is completely within my control, even when the outside world is not. Yes, there are efforts within my control that could help me land on my feet again. I think the scarier, yet oddly exhilarating, realization is that there is much about this situation that cannot be wrangled into submission. I hope for the best, but I can’t see the future. That is, strangely, a comfort in itself.
Until next time…
—LMB
Lauren Michelle Brock 